(there are no tabs left on my phone and it feels super good)
my spotify dj is gonna be hungover tomorrow
i voted :)
where were you when a private space company backed by a billionaire proponent of a fascist regime launched the largest rocket ever built, caught the booster at the tower from which it was launched, live streamed reentry in its entirety, and landed next to a pre-positioned buoy in the ocean
do you ever have a birthday in your forties and decide fitness is important and buy a nice bike and ride it a ton and one day you’re riding hard and feel a sharp pain on your chest and clutch it and slowly roll to a stop and contemplate life and let go and a wasp falls out from under your shirt
you better ride until your nipples get hard
i’m not even playin’
#ShitPelotonInstructorsSay
how many of y’all cry during (one of my workouts)?
oh that’s a lot
[buries head]
#ShitPelotonInstructorsSay
i just plugged my bike helmet into my couch to charge in case you’re wondering what stage of civilization we are currently in
how many people on that leader board do you think barry white had a helping hand in creating
#ShitPelotonInstructorsSay
nothing worse than showing up to the nude beach unprepared
I am pleased to announce that I just got a PR on a chicken curry bowl speed run and will now be setting down my spork and retiring from professional chicken curry bowl speed running.
instr: i’m not gonna give you dietary recommendations. but i am going to tell you to consume more reggae.
instr: [talks for 3 minutes about eating only burritos]
#ShitPelotonInstructorsSay
“expanding your pantry” points to butt
#shitpelotoninstructorssay
how is this not violating a gag order?
(i guess it’s not about the jurors or witnesses, but still)
(also how tf did i get on this list)
(i responded that i want him arrested)
(they did not respond to that)
tfw when the system tells you how it works
okay time to stop reading the news for today i guess
so, uh, all lint from polyester, acrylic, spandex, etc. is microplastic right
cool cool cool
folding a burrito inside a hot skillet while it’s warming up is not a skill i ever expected to regret developing
if you:
- need some entertainment
- want to read phonetically balanced groups of sentences
- are testing a voice communication system
try the harvard sentences! great for snark, tautologies, and even some wisdom.
me: are you mad jon hamm is in the new season of morning show?
her: yes!!
me:why?
her: he’s always a dick in everything! he’s a dick in bridesmaids and he’s a dick in 47 gentlemen!
me: 47 gentlemen?!?!?!
despite all my rage i am still just a little bit late to work every day
to boil the ocean you must first put the frog into the water
rarely seen in nature. one lucky denver resident will be the proud owner of a bouncing baby UPS truck.
tfw you upload a histogram to slack, feel like you beat a game on nightmare difficulty, crack open a cold one, jump up and down and hit your knee on your standing desk
